Letters from Lily Evans to James Potter aka Potter aka Arrogant Toerag
by Bob The Other Zombie
Summary: ...That She Will Never Send, Vol I. After yet another fight with Potter, Lily's assignment in detention is to vent her feelings on paper by writing letters to him and never sending them. Only problem is, the fights keep happening, and then suddenly seventh year is approaching and Lily doesn't know what her feelings are anymore. Epistolary fic.
1. Letter 1

**A/N: Me no own. Quick notes about this story- it's already written out, so it will be updated semiweekly, depending on how long revising chapters takes. Also, because this site doesn't like strikethroughs, crossed out lines will be formatted -**_like this-_** (there aren't too many). Thank you for reading and hope you'll review!**

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><p>This is dumb.<p>

McGonagall is crazy if she think

No, that statement needs repeating. This. is. dumb.

I hate this.

I'm not going to write anything. I refuse.

This is so stupid. I'm not writing another thing until the end of this stupid, undeserved, prat-filled detention.

...

Okay, McGonagall is glaring at me, so maybe I should actually write something. But I refuse to write what she actually wants me to talk about. Frickety. Oddball. Quidditch. Weird words. Oh, good, I should talk about the extra credit research paper Slughorn's having me do. Maybe make this detention actually useful. A Polyjuice Potion is made while combining the ingredients of fluxweed, knotgrass, lacewing flies, leeches, and a few other things that I can't remember. It is used for transforming into another person, but, if contaminated with animal or halfbreed hair, can result in a painful partial transformation that will last for much longer than normal. Hah! Just try and stop me, McGonagall, I'm turning this dumb, Pottery detention into something helpful!

Although I won't be able to actually take this parchment out of the room, will I? Bugger. I was really feeling in the mood to write about Potions, or anything but that arrogant toerag with a chip the size of Scotland on his shoulder. I don't need to release my anger by writing a letter to him and then not sending it, McGonagall, I can release my anger by hexing his stupid face until it's full of Quaffle-sized pimples.

Huh. That argument might actually work. Not the Quaffle-sized pimples part, the I've-already-released-my-anger part. Because I've already done the Quaffle-sized pimples part. Ha. Ha ha. Hold on, I'm going to go ask McGonagall.

Sigh. I talked to her and she said that while it was a valid point, "hexing Mr. Potter, however much feeling you put into it, is not an appropriate form of releasing your anger." I could hear the bloody prat snickering behind me, I almost pulled out my wand and hexed him again but I knew I'd lose any chance of being Head Girl if I did that. And then, to make things worse, McGonagall told me she would be reading my letter after I was done. Reading it? READING it? I thought this was supposed to be private, let-my-feelings-out time! No one should be reading this letter but me! But anyways, it put me in the embarrassing position of having to ask for another piece of parchment (because I doubt she'll want to read this mess), which of course made McGonagall raise her eyebrow in that dreaded I-disapprove-of-this motion, and also made Potter snicker even harder. (Can you snicker harder? Is that the phrase?) And then, on the way back to my seat, he said, "I'd pay to read that letter, Evans. Need another sheet to show how much you love me?"

Only McGonagall's glare kept me from doing or saying anything back. I'm going to hex him for that later.

Okay. Starting the new parchment now. Let's hope this works.


	2. Letter 2

Okay. Let the anger releasing begin.

First of all, I'm angry that he just grinned at me when I glared at him after that comment! A perfectly steely, deserved glare! Does he have no respect for me and my anger?

Well, that should be obvious, considering who he is, and what he did to me and my friends this afternoon.

Secondly, that he still thinks I'm writing love letters to him! It's been almost a year since he asked me out by pantsing my ex-best-friend in front of the entire school and he still doesn't get it! I will never go out with that pureblood prick! Never, never, never! So he might as well go back to snogging every girl he sees in the corridors because he sure as Merlin isn't going to get any snogging from me.

I just remembered, isn't McGonagall going to be reading this? Maybe I shouldn't be talking about snogging. Or maybe I shouldn't talk about what McGonagall can or cannot read.

But no, she wants an honest outpouring of my anger, and she's going to get it! I'm not going to censor myself. If I have to do this _-stupid waste of time-_ this lovely and productive assignment, I am going to do it right!

So. This afternoon. Alice, Emma, and I were sitting by the lake, minding our own business, just about to do some homework and all (sixth year, N.E.W.T level classes, I mean, come on) when all of a sudden we see Pettigrew walking towards us, with his hands behind his back and a stupid smile on his face. Now, the three of us have had plenty of experience with the Marauder's up-to-something expressions by now, so we know when something's coming (except for the unnamed prat, who we have to just assume is guilty, all the time). Even worse, he had his hands behind his back. So of course, we all three stood, facing him, because you never want to let a guilty Marauder, with hands behind his back, out of your sight.

"What have you got, Pettigrew?" asked Emma.

"And where are your friends?" I asked, folding my arms.

And oh, I realize now his shifty eyes really should've been a clue, they were probably shifting to right over our shoulders more than needed, but I was so stupid!

Pettigrew's grin widened. "Oh, they're around here somewhere." he said casually. That's when warning bells really starting going off, because of the Marauders, Peter Pettigrew (and usually Remus Lupin) is never casual. I pulled out my wand.

"Pettigrew, if you come one step closer-"

That was the moment when I felt something slimy and wet slithering down the back of my shirt. I shrieked (in a very dignified way, I can assure you) and turned around, and guess who was standing there?

Well, uh, I guess if Professor McGonagall is reading this, then you can guess it pretty easily, based on the fact that I'm in detention with him. But it wasn't just the prick Potter! Black was laughing like a lunatic when you arrived because he had just managed to make Emma reach a pitch normally reserved for Sneakoscopes by sticking a Chocolate Frog down her shirt, and the whole reason Alice shoved Remus onto his bum was because he had a Chocolate Frog in his hand, too. Remus and Black should be in detention, not me!

Anyways, I turned around (after the Chocolate Frog had successfully wriggled its way out of my shirt, ruining it forever with awful brown stains) and Potter and Black were standing there, laughing like some sort of hyena breed. Why anyone ever thinks those sloppy clowns are attractive, I'll never know (Potter has had fourteen girlfriends that I know of, how?) This, to the best of my memory, is the conversation that followed:**  
><strong>

"What did you do, Potter?" I said (or, well, Emma says I was screeching at this point).

"He brought you chocolates, Evans." Black was grinning that awful look-at-me-I'm-amazing grin of his. "He bought you flowers, now he's brought you chocolates, what else do you expect from him?" The flowers, by the way, refer to an incident last week where he (or possibly Black, I don't particularly care at this point) somehow managed to get up to our room and fill it with garishly colored, singing flowers during a free period.

At this point, yes, I did start pointing my wand at him. "You've got to be kidding."

I think Black might have actually had a spark of intelligence then, because he stepped back and pushed Potter towards me.

"Oh, come off it, Evans, it was just a joke!" Potter said. I was satisfied to see that he was smiling as though he were trying to placate a Hippogriff. "It's the end of the year, even you can't have a stick up your arse now!"

Black and Pettigrew did that stupid thing boys do after an insult, the "ohhh" thing. Remus stopped brushing off his pants from the fall and started looking worried.

"Stick in the arse? Just because I won't go out with you, Potter?" I said. "Believe me, I would rather have a ten-foot pole up my arse than any part of you in any part of my body!"

"You never know until you try." said Potter, grinning. I wanted to attack him right then, but, Professor, I had the discipline to hold myself back.

"What, so you're propositioning me for sex, now?" I said. "That's a new low for you. What happened to those dumb love poems you have Owl-delivered on the hour every hour for three days?"

"That didn't work!" said Potter. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Stop trying." I said. "I'm never going to go out with you, you arrogant, self-centered, unintelligent, ape!"

"Better than a stuckup, sheltered, bi-"

Obviously I hexed him before he could finish his sentence. So you see, it was completely justified. As Emma said later, he was definitely trying to get me angry with language like that.

And I'm sorry you just happened to be patrolling the grounds that day, and I'm sorry you caught me doing what I supposed to be stopping as a Prefect, but, can you blame me? And it wasn't like he didn't hex me back. I didn't just wake up with green hair this morning. So really, it's perfectly obvious that it was all Potter's fault, and I should not have to do any detention for doing what I

Okay, I was going to wrap it up there, but Potter just walked by, and gave me even more material to "let me feelings out" about. After the usual arrogant comments about my love letter to him (how dare he say I'm the stuckup one), he gave me this little gem:

"I'm sorry, Evans. I wasn't going to call you a...you know. I was going to say bint."

I snorted. Really, can you blame me for any of this? "Oh, thanks, and here I was worried you were going to apologize for insulting me."

He sighed heavily, obviously trying to make me look up. "Why do you have to take this so hard, Evans? Maybe I just want to be friends."

"You ask me out practically every day as a prank." I said. "And you stuck a Chocolate Frog down my shirt."

"The Chocolate Frogs were Sirius's idea, not mine, and-"

"Mr. Potter!" you said at right about that moment. Which is good, because I was going to hex him again. "I believe Miss Evans has not yet finished her detention."

"Yes, sorry, Professor." Potter said, grinning that stupid, "charming" grin, and thankfully, he left after that.

So now you see, Professor, why I was totally justified in hexing him. He refuses to stop asking me out, no matter how many times I tell him no, and whenever he's around me, all he does is those stupid pranks he knows I hate. And then he has the Quaffle balls to say that I'm writing love letters to him, and that we would make a good couple, and why can't I just accept him already? Outrageous. So, in conclusion, I respectfully request this detention not go on my record, and Potter and I never have to sit anywhere near each other, or work on any partner projects together, ever again. Maybe he could even be expelled or something. I'd love that.

Yours truly,

The long-suffering Lily Evans

P.S. Professor McGonagall just said that she wasn't even going to read the letter, she was just making sure that I wrote it. Honestly, even if it was a waste of a perfectly good rant, I'm a little relieved- I'd probably never get Head Girl if she did read it.


	3. Letter 3

Ohhhhh I hate him, I hate him, I hate him I hate himIhatehimIhatehim.

I can't believe this. I'm in detention again, and, yet again, it was his fault! Yeah, I think I'm noticing a pattern here. All of my detentions are his fault! I bet if I wanted to, I could trace back to the very first detention I got in fourth year, and figure out how all of them were Potter's fault.

Although there was that one I got for talking with Alice during Arithmancy, and

Actually, nope, that's it. All the rest are from fighting with Potter, or, more recently, Potter asking me out with his stupid pranks.

Like this one, for example. I mean, just. Why. Why did he think any of that would be a good idea? Why did he think I would say yes this one time out of all the others? Does he really think he's got a chance, or is he just humiliating me now? I mean, not that I think I'm out of his league, but shouldn't a boy give up on a girl when she says no to him 187 times?

No, wait, 188. Forgot about that one by the lake at night when he had Black, Lupin, and Peter levitate candles and a record player, all of which ended up in the water after I pushed Potter in. I can never remember that one because it was so low-key. No, no, wait, it's actually 189 if you count the one where he was drunk on something and he barely slurred it out before falling asleep in my lap.

Don't worry, I only keep count so I can brag to my daughter one day. Alice, Emma, and I have decided we're all going to be horrible mothers. I'm going to name my child something dreadful like Daffodil or Hydrangea if it's a girl, and Vernon- that's Petunia's horrible boyfriend- if it's a boy. Ugh.

Although Alice is seriously considering Neville for a boy's name (she wants to have two, a boy named Neville and a girl named Margaret) and she gets really offended if anyone tells her what an awful name that is. I love Alice, but...Neville? Do you know how much that boy will get picked on? Especially if she married someone with a really funny last name, like Professor Babbling's son Bill, or Frank Longbottom. Although Neville Lupin has a nice ring to it. I should try to set them up, they've got loads in common otherwise. Although the way she's been mooning over Frank lately, I'm probably already too late.

Also as a horrible mother, I am going to brag to my child (or children, I haven't decided yet) all the time about my accomplishments in my youth and how I had boys (or one boy) begging at my feet (he did that one time, the 56th attempt, I think). It does things to the ego, you know. Maybe I'll try and turn it into some comforting story- when my daughter comes home crying because some idiot boy doesn't like her, I'll tell her that I had a boy on his knees for me despite other boys not noticing me some of, well, a lot of the time, and so she will too.

Also, my daughter (probably daughter) is going to beat the child of Potter in everything. I can't wait to see his face when he realizes what he missed out on by being an immature idiot.

Not that I ever would've said yes anyways, of course. Or that he was ever serious about it. I think. But he continues to ask me out in such ridiculous ways! Do you want to know what he did today?

Wait, wait, why am I asking that, this is literally a letter to no one that I'll burn with the first one at some point (when they stop being so fun to reread, that is).

Anyways, today he asked me out again, for the -_188_- -_189_- 190th time. Want to know how?

No, you're an inanimate sheet of parchment, you're literally not capable of wanting anything, but I'll go ahead and tell the story.

Today, Emma, Alice, and I were walking to lunch, just normally, carrying our books and having conversations and all. As we began to descend the stairs into the Great Hall, we noticed that there appeared to be a loud gathering there and we could hear the two hyenas speaking loudly to all of them. This wasn't unusual, those two jesters are always pulling their monkey tricks, except that when we reached halfway down the stairs, Potter that absolute git looked up and shouted loudly for everyone to make room.

Nobody left, of course, although they did clear a space in the center of the room and a nice little path for us three to get through. Hogwarts is full of busybodies.

I turned to leave, because I knew what was coming, but Alice and Emma stopped me. They're amused by the whole Potter thing, for some reason. Emma asked, "Don't you want to see what he does?"

"Not particularly." I muttered.

"Lily Evans!" shouted Potter, clearly enjoying the crowd he had. "Lily Evans, too long have I pined after you in utter secrecy-"

"Secrecy?" I sputtered. There were a few titters. See, Potter, you're not the only one who knows about showmanship.

"Yes, well, semisecrecy." Potter said. His tone of voice was more appropriate for Greek theatre than a boarding school. "For though I have dogged your steps as you travelled these halls, hoping for but a glimpse of your beautiful green eyes and that radiant splash of sunshine you call a smile-"

"Okay, I know Lupin couldn't have helped you write that, because even he's not that bad." I said. "Did you seriously write that?" More laughter.

Potter was starting to look a little uncomfortable with the way things were going. "Well- still- there is still one group of Hogwarts residents left, who know not of my undying love for you, miss Lily Evans! And that is-"

And at that point, I don't know if anyone will believe me on this, but over a dozen house elves appeared in the space in the middle of the room. I rolled my eyes. What was that lunatic doing now?

"Lily, let's go!" Alice said, pushing me. We descended the stairs and crossed to where the elves were standing.

"Lily, I and these house elves have prepared, in honor of your beauty, a humble offering!" Potter said, still using his Greek-theatre voice. And then, I kid you not, the house elves began to sing_. _With harmonies and everything. I wish I remembered the lyrics exactly, because they were horrible in that kind of way you just want everyone to know about, but alas, I can only guess.

_Oh our lovely mistress Lily Evans_

_It warms our heart to serve you_

_And now we find you are warming the heart of another_

_Of another boy whose name is James Potter_

_He thinks you are pretty as a Snitch_

_And just as unattainable_

_But he wants you just as bad_

_And he loves you just as much_

I raised my eyebrows. Alice and Emma were about to fall over from the amount of giggling they were doing.

_So, if you will, just fly over_

_To the one and only James Potter_

_And let him catch you in his firm hands_

At this point, I was already preparing to take out my wand.

_And he will take care of you forever_

_And love you for all time_

_Oh, Lily the Snitch_

_Lily the Snitch_

_Don't you know there's a Seeker out there_

_Waiting for you?_

_Lily the Snitch_

_Lily the Snitch_

_Just let James Potter_

_Take you on one date_

_Lily the Snitch_

_Will you go on a date_

_with him?_

The house elves, mercifully, fell silent, and the busybodies all began applauding that awful song. Seriously? Those lyrics were worse than the Hogwarts theme song, and all of Potter's poetry combined. It annoyed me even more that several girls in the crowd appeared to be swooning- don't reward him for that mess! He didn't even write it for you, you twits!

"Sorry, Potter, but you're a Chaser, that song told me to go out with a Seeker." I said.

"It's a metaphor!" said the horrible lyricist. Okay, not one of my stronger names for him, but we'll ignore that and continue.

I snorted and tried to walk past him, and this is the point where McGonagall must've walked in, after all the house-elves disappeared and there was no evidence left of the humiliation I just endured. That was when James grabbed my arm, and began singing. SINGING (I am pleased to report that Potter is an awful singer. Take that, all you girls who think he's perfect). "Lily the Snitch, Lily the Snitch. Won't you go out with me? Lily the Snitch, Lily the Snitch, just let me catch you..." His hands moved up my arm. "...in my strong hands."

And that was when I turned and tried to punch him in the face, and got detention for it. I explained the situation, and Alice and Emma backed me up, but the Marauders (who had been laughing off to one side up until that point) claimed it was all my fault and James hadn't done anything, which was when I pulled my wand and got a second detention. And of course, who better to serve detention with than the instigator himself, Rockstar Potter?

So that's my letter, that's why I'm so angry at Potter right now, and

He just started humming that stupid song. For Merlin's sake. Professor McGonagall is out of the room, I'm going to- well, I don't know what exactly, but he's going to feel pain.

Oh Merlin. I can't believe I just. Oh Merlin. Ughhhh. So I went over there to make him stop, and of course he's being all -_charming_- horrible and I'm trying to reason with him, "Love letters, Evans? Couldn't stay away from me, Evans? Like the song, Evans? I bribed the house-elves with an extra dirty room, just for you." and I'm already going to MURDER him when I look down at his paper and in the margins of...something...I see a picture. Of me. More importantly, of scantily-clad me, in what looks like a Snitch bikini. And of course, because Potter's a girl-obsessed teenage boy, my proportions are all wrong, especially in the bust area.

So I grabbed the picture and the front of his shirt, and McGonagall walks in. So now I have another detention. Three for the same incident! It's a record for me! And all three, yet again, were Potter's fault. McGonagall says even if the picture was of me, it still doesn't justify attacking him, although Potter got another detention for drawing a picture instead of doing his assignment.

A separate detention from me this time. Hooray.

With an absolute lack of love,

Lily Evans

P.S. I just realized, I have three detentions and Potter has two for this incident, which means, for the first time ever, I have more detentions than Potter for something. Wow.


	4. Letter 4

Dear Invisible Receptacle of My Rage (aka Parchment),

Potter might cost me the Head Girlship.

No, really. McGonagall called me up to her desk before today's detention and told me I was being seriously considered for the position, but, if I couldn't end this "silly feud" with Potter, then it would be given to someone else.

This "silly feud" isn't my fault, in case you haven't noticed, Professor. I'm not the one who keeps asking me out in idiotic ways and pranking me and never bloody leaving me alone. That is Potter. I would be perfectly fine with leaving him alone, if he would just leave me alone! He is the one instigating all of this!

Besides, I don't get why my "silly feud" should affect anything. Shouldn't it be a good thing that I'm arguing with him, since I'm, inevitably, going to have to try and control him and the Marauders next year? Why would McGonagall not want a Head Girl who hates a troublemaker?

Ugh, and I can't get along with Potter! It's not just a question of our personalities, it's also about me and my pride! Can you imagine what Potter would do if I stopped getting angry at him all the time? "Oh, I see you're warming up to me, Evans, how about that date?" How about you stuff your face into the Whomping Willow, you puffed-up imbecilic

Okay, wow, rereading what I just wrote, I'll admit I'm getting a little worked up here. I just can't help but hate Potter. It's like falling in love only NOT AT ALL. I can't pinpoint where it started or why, but Potter just...eurghhhh.

And it's not as if he treats me any better. Yeah, I know, he asks me out all the time, but that whole thing started as a way to poke fun at me, because I made the unfortunate mistake of fancying him in fourth year. And what did he do when he figured it out? Used it to humiliate me in public and laugh at me. Yeah, quite a catch right there, definitely someone I should tolerate. And now- even if he was being sincere, and not just doing it for attention and to annoy me, it wouldn't matter because this is what you get, Potter. You humiliated me, and now you get it back a hundredfold. You really should've thought before telling fourteen-year-old me "I know you're in love with me, Evans, but I'm kind of out of your league" in front of half of Hogwarts. Maybe if you hadn't, and you'd asked me out seriously, I might've actually said yes at some point. You're not exactly unattractive, you know.

Emma and Remus say he's grown up since fourth year but somehow, I find that hard to believe, given his current behavior. That's not the bigheaded imbecile I know.

So, this will be excruciatingly difficult. I've wanted Head Girl since about second year when Malfoy was being an utter ponce (stay away from Snape, Mudblood, he has better friends than you, nyeh nyeh nyeh) and Mary Beth Abbott just walked around the corner and bam! put him in his place. I want to be that kind of person for the younger kids, especially the Muggleborns who think they'll never be talented enough to earn their place in the wizarding world. Not everything is about me, y'know.

But now I have to choose between that, and hating Potter. Or at least fighting with him. I guess...the choice is pretty obvious. If I don't get Head Girl because Potter's pulling his usual crap, then he's won and I would've never been able to discipline him anyways. If I can't reel in my own pride and temper for the sake of making the school a better place (and showing all those Purebloods where they can stick it), then I was never cut out for the job in the first place.

So I'll try to get along with Potter, or at least not respond to his pranks with violence and hexes. I won't say yes to him, or even try to be friends, but I think I can handle taking a deep breath and walking away whenever he angers me.

It's a pity, too. I was so ready for this letter. I was going to include my top ten reasons to hate Potter. I guess I'll have to carry those to my grave. Don't want to rile myself up before I have to go back out into the world and face him again. We've got separate detentions, thankfully, so I have a bit of time to compose myself before I see him again. Let's hope it will help.

Yours most hopefully,

Lily Evans

...

P.S. I've still got a few minutes left of detention, so in no particular order:

1. His hair. Messy is not a fashion statement.

2. His attitude. Hogwarts is cheap, top-quality education, and you're wasting it?

3. His grades. I hate how well he does without trying.

4. The fact that they keep letting him on the Quidditch pitch, even though his head is too swollen for him to fly.

5. The way girls love him. I don't get it. Even Alice and Emma think he's cute, but what's so great about an arrogant toerag? Also, how he clearly knows girls love him.

6. It's sort of a repeat, but the way he always messes with his hair as if he's actually improving it. Again, messy is not a fashion statement.

7. He's best friends with Sirius Black, and close friends with Peter Pettigrew. Anyone who enjoys that kind of company must be crazy.

8. He's so self-absorbed. Honestly, he acts like everything I do has to do with him. I only date other guys to make him jealous, I refuse him to make him want me more, and when I complain, it's because I'm "obsessed" with him. And the way he talks about himself all the time, ugh.

9. His jealousy, speaking of me dating. He always manages to show up on my dates (with a girl of his own of course), and then proceeds to stay in my line of sight and flirt with her a lot, so that I'm distracted from my date and it's ruined.

10. ...

Honestly, I think that pretty much covers it, except I really hate how no one (especially not any girls) seem to notice any of his faults. I hate the way everyone treats him, like the Chosen One or something. It's disgusting.

You know, that was a nice bit of venting, that actually made me want to strangle him less. I think I'm ready to face him calmly now.


	5. Letter 5

Dear soon-to-be-damp-with-tears-of-shame parchment,

Well. I'm writing this letter a little early. Turns out I couldn't make it to the next detention without getting into another fight with Potter. I could feel McGonagall's disappointment rolling off of her when she caught me. I feel so bad. I really wanted the Head Girl position, but now I'm worried there's no possibility of me getting it, and it's not even Potter's fault, Potter is an arrogant, immature bully, it's my fault for continuing to rise to his taunts!

I don't know what to do, because I couldn't stop myself this time! I was out on a date with Richard Davies (who is the dreamiest dreamboat to ever dream, even Alice and Emma agree, and they have very different tastes in boys) when, predictably, Potter showed up. I mean, yeah, we went to the Hog's Head, which is where pretty much everyone goes, but still, he didn't have to sit in the booth next to ours! I guess next time we'll have to go to that new place, the Three Broomsticks or whatever it's called.

Anyways, I was trying to concentrate on what Richard was saying, I really was, but you should've hear the nonsense Potter was spouting to that Ravenclaw Willow Brown. It drowned out all of Rich's (yes, I can call him Rich, we're to that point) lovely compliments completely. Oh, yes, Willow should wear her hair like that more often, ugh, he's wanted to ask her out for a while, yuck, she's the most beautiful girl at Hogwarts!

At that last one, I snorted, making both Rich and the prick jump. "Oh, no, not you." I said to Rich. "Go on."**  
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Of course, Potter wasn't having any of that. "Do you have a problem, Evans?" he asked, turning around.

"I don't, Potter." I said. "But I really think Willow should, considering you just told me the other day I was the most beautiful girl at Hogwarts. I'm not jealous, but I think she should know her date is lying to her."

"So you think you're the most beautiful girl at Hogwarts." said Willow, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no, no, that's not what I meant, but it's a just a line. He doesn't mean that or anything else he says."

Willow just frowned at me. "I think I can be the judge of that. I can take care of myself, thank you."

Potter turned back around to face her with a dreadful smirk on his face. "Don't worry, she's just-"

"I'm not jealous!" I banged my fist on the table in front of me, loud enough for the room to quiet for an instant. Whoops.

"Wasn't going to say that, Evans." said Potter, turning around again. Willow rolled her eyes. "I was going to say 'a bint'. But now that you mention it, yeah, I think you sound pretty jealous-"

I turned away from him so quickly I think I may have given myself whiplash. I didn't want to go any further with that conversation, not when I was supposed to be enjoying a date with the dreamiest dreamboat who ever dreamed. "I'm sorry." I said to Rich. "I'm sure you and the whole school know how much I HATE James Potter."

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine." said Rich.

"Hit a nerve there, did I, Evans?" said Potter. I smiled at Rich, resisting the urge to stab the fathead's eye out with a fork.

"Do you want me to switch places with you?" Rich asked. Isn't he so sweet?

"Yes, please." I said. "Or, no, no, don't get up, I'll come and sit beside you." I accompanied this with my best Evans sultry smile, and Rich grinned.

"Oh, look how eager she is to prove she's not jealous, Willow." Potter said. "Don't you love that you're going out with a wanted man?"

I heard Willow growl something in response as I sat down next to Rich. I hoped she was ditching Potter, that would just be too perfect.

"Hello." I said.

"Hello." Rich said, and leaned in. "Good to know I'm about to snog the most beautiful girl at Hogwarts."

"And a wanted woman, too." I said, and he kissed me.

Side note, but it was...all right. He's a little sloppy with his tongue. Never neglect the tongue, I"ve always said. Really, who would've thought that Rich Davies, dreamiest dreamboat to ever dream, wouldn't be a top-notch kisser?

"Hey, Evans, will you go out with me?" Potter said, obviously trying to distract us. Without breaking apart from Rich's lips, I groped around the table, found a bread plate, and tossed it in Potter's direction.

It didn't hit Potter, or Willow, in case you're worried- she'd already gotten up to leave. Instead, the bread plate flew right over Potter's booth, into the middle of the teacher's table, where, I'm told, i made a pretty spectacular splash in Professor Flitwick's alfalfa soup.

McGonagall was up on her feet at once and the room was silent."Who threw that?" she said as I pushed Rich away.

No one responded, not even Potter, surprisingly, but McGonagall looked in the direction it had come from, and it must had been pretty easy to deduce what had happened from my guilty expression, and the way Potter looked between the teachers and me. "Evans." McGonagall said. "Detention. My office. Thursday."

And thus ended my date with the dreamiest dreamboat to ever dream, and my chances at being Head Girl. And however much I might want to to blame it on Potter...it was my fault. I started the argument, and I got violent, as usual. Seems I might be just as bad as he is. I probably wouldn't have made a very good Head Girl.

! News news news. McGonagall read that last part over my shoulder (I'm glad it was that part and not any of the other letters) and she said she was glad to see I was showing responsibility and humility about this, and because of that, I still have a chance! I'm so excited! I could be Head Girl! I could be Head Girl! She said that if I do a special assignment for her next detention (I don't care if it's shagging Avery Mulciber, I'll do it) and have no fights with Potter for the rest of the year, I'll still be among their top choices! Oh Merlin! I need to go tell Alice and Emma!

I hope neither of them wanted the job, although they aren't prefects. I'd feel bad if they wanted it, too.

Yours most joyfully,

Lily Evans

P.S. Yes!


	6. Letter 6

Dear...I really can't do this.

Uh. Okay. First, I should explain that I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for the assignment I mentioned in the last letter. The special, detention, Head-Girl-is-on-the-line assignment. Although I guess I don't technically need this disclaimer, unless she actually does make me give this to Potter. I mean, the letter is supposed to be addressed to him, but he doesn't ever have to see it, right?

So. Hello, Potter. I hope I don't have to give this to you, because the last thing you need is a letter detailing all the reasons you aren't a bigheaded, self-absorbed, unfairly gifted, entitled brat. You need me, Potter, to keep you down on the level of us mortals, right? Ha. Ha ha. Anyways...um...I really can't think of how to do this, mostly because I can't think of how exactly to compliment you, and this is supposed to be a letter listing what I like about you (you were right, I am writing love letters now, apparently). I guess I'll just do a list of your ten best features, since I listed your ten worst already.

Ugh. I feel so dirty doing this. Might as well jump right in.

1. Uh...okay, how about your creativity. Really, if I wasn't so irritated by you asking me out all the time, I think I might find it impressive. You've asked me out 192 times (counting today, when you whispered it to me in the hallway and then pretended it wasn't you, it was actually kind of funny) and I don't think you've ever asked the same way twice. And it's always- well, usually- a surprise. It's kind of flattering that you took the time to think of 192 ways to ask me out. Not to mention all of your pranks. Think what you could do with that kind of creativity.

2. Your sense of humor. Okay, I'll admit it, when you're not being an arrogant moron who thinks he's funnier than he is, you're actually pretty funny. And if I didn't care so much about the rules, I think I'd find your pranks pretty funny, too. And yeah, okay, I might hide a smile (or a laugh) on more than one occasion when you and Black start having your ridiculously loud conversations, or when you guys dare each other to do stuff. I guess it is pretty funny. But I'd never tell you that because that would mean admitting that you aren't the most irritating lump on the planet.

3. Your intelligence. Honestly, I think you would be top of the class if not for me working my arse off in the library all the time. Seriously, you're kind of a genius for still managing good grades even though you never really act like you're trying. And those pranks, too, you guys do some really complicated spells and things for them, stuff I don't even know how to do- where did you learn it all? And they're so well planned, too. I think you applied yourself, you could be the next Dumbledore or something.

Maybe this is a little too easy to do.

4. Your kindness. Okay, so you've never been nice to Severus, or, really, to me at all, but I've seen you be nice, I know you can do it. Just the other day, a second year tripped and threw her books all over the place, and instead of laughing like most people (including myself, I will admit), you knelt down and helped her pick it all up. I meant to help, I really did, but I was so surprised by you not being your normal self that I just kind of stared. I feel bad about that. At least you didn't catch me staring, you would've been insufferable then. But really, you are a generally helpful person, even to teachers when you're not cutting up in class- I always thought that you were just sucking up to them to make up for the pranks, but maybe not.

5. Your loyalty to your friends. Seriously, I've never seen anyone as close as you four. Yeah, you're all obnoxious gits (with the exception of Remus when he's not around you), but you kind of take care of them. I've seen you defend Pettigrew and Remus from bullies a lot (before people knew better), and Black's brother made sure everyone knew that Black was disowned, and yet Black arrived with you to the Hogwarts express this year, and left for summer break with you last year...don't think I can't put two-and-two together, Potter. Also, you're willing to take the fall for your friends and do detention with them. I can never tell if it's actually your fault and you're taking responsibility, or if you're just volunteering so they don't have to do detention alone. Either way, it's impressive.

6. Your lack of prejudice. It's kind of thing no one talks about at Hogwarts- how much blood prejudice there still is going around. I, as a proud Mudblood who lost a best friend over it, know this better than everyone. But -_Ja_- Potter, you're a pureblood, and I've never seen you treat anyone differently for it. You make friends and enemies regardless of their blood status- you humiliate us all equally, I suppose, and although that's not exactly a desirable trait, it's still admirable considering you grew up in a wealthy pureblood family. I've even see you go after people for being bigots before- you've stood up for me a couple times, and for Black after he was disowned, and for other Muggleborns. I don't know. I guess, underneath all that immaturity and obnoxiousness, you can be kind of a good person sometimes.

Uh, I never thanked you for standing up for me, by the way. I feel kind of bad about that now.

7. You are a pretty good conversationalist. The few actual talks we've had that weren't date-related or fights were actually pretty fun. You seemed genuinely interested in me, but you were also funny and you told me all those funny stories about your life. And I guess you're pretty charming, too, I'll just go ahead and put that in here because I don't want to look at it too closely- that "most beautiful girl at Hogwarts" line is a good one, and even if most of your flirting with me is just a joke, I can safely say that, were you serious and much, much more mature, I would have -_dropped my panties for_-okay, no, let's not go there. But I would have probably accepted around attempt number three or so. Can't be too easy to get.

8. Your Quidditch skills are actually pretty good. I really think you're a major reason why we have such a good team, although I'll never tell you that, because you would never let anyone forget it. I may not be all that interested in Quidditch, but even I know that someone who can play as a Chaser, Seeker, or Captain is a pretty impressive Quidditch player. You're always playing catch with that stupid Snitch, aren't you?

9. Speaking of Quidditch, you're actually pretty responsible with being the Captain this year. Honestly, I wouldn't expect you to be so good at coming up with practice times, and keeping track of people's schedules and the reserves, and whipping everyone into shape, on top of your busy life of pranks and harassing me, but you are. I don't think you've screwed up at all, from what Alice has told me. Although I guess maybe you're just good at being a leader. Merlin knows you lead that little posse of yours like you're the lead singer and they're your backup boy band. But you do a good job of leading and being responsible. I've sat in at some of the practices (all for Alice, I assure you), and you keep everyone on task and under control and do it all while still remaining easy-breezy likable Potter. Makes me think of what you could have accomplished had you actually cared about school. You probably could've been the most brilliant kid in the last decade of Hogwarts students, and the other Gryffindor Prefect instead of Remus, and I bet even Head Boy. Now that's weird to think about, Potter as Head Boy. But you could've had so much potential, if only you weren't such an immature, self-absorbed slacker.

10. ...I guess...if you aren't actually going read this...well...you're kind of attractive. Ugh. I keep expecting you or one of your moronic lackeys to pop up out of nowhere, read this letter, and mock me for the rest of my miserable life. But, I don't know, you've got a good build from Quidditch, and your messy hair is kind of -_sexy_- cute every now and then (when you stop fiddling with it, mostly), and you have really, really pretty eyes, dear Merlin, and a nice face, and your smile, even when it's making fun of me...well, I can see what all those girls are after. But unfortunately, looks don't matter to me when the boy's personality leaves so much to be desired. So even if you have all of those good qualities, I still wish you'd grow up. Honestly, I think if you were more mature and less self-absorbed, you'd be my ideal boyf

Okay, not gonna finish that, because after rereading the whole thing, I realize I got a little carried away. I don't know what happened. Must be fatigue, or maybe McGonagall cast a spell on the room out of desperation. I just hope, hope, hope that no one ever reads any this, because this whole letter is so embarrassing.

Strangely, though, it did help some. Maybe you are a tolerable guy after all. I've got a truce to maintain for the Head Girlship, so maybe if you ask me out again sometime soon, I'll smile and say, "No, thank you.", or if you flaunt your date in front of me, I'll just face the other direction instead of tonguing Rich Davies for revenge (we haven't had another date, by the way). So, in conclusion, Potter, you're still an obnoxious git, but you're not insufferable, and I feel like I can get along with you until the end of the year at least. All for the Head Girlship, of course.

With determination,

Lily Evans


	7. Letter 7

Dear Potter,

I will admit, you have asked me out in some great ways. Some brilliantly horribly creative ways, like number 32, when you put signs on the insides of the windows and dragged me out to that beautiful spot by the lake where I could see them all. If I ever had a favorite of your askings, I think that one would be it.

But now? Now you're up to 197. And of all the 197, you've somehow managed to find the most irritating, offensive way possible.

It's summer break, Potter, and we'd gotten along so well towards the end of the year, even if you asked me out four more times (owls with letters painted on their wings, the Quidditch finals with fireworks, written in one of my textbooks, as a way of saying goodbye at the train station). Why did you have to do this? Why did you think sending lingerie (magically enchanted to make the beholder feel a little, er, randy) with a note saying "Go out with me, Evans" would ever possibly work?

I hope you like the Howler I sent back. Yeah, I figured out how to use those. I just can't believe it, we were...well, not quite friends would be the best way to describe it. We had some real bonding time towards the end of the year, some actual good conversations with each other, and I honestly thought your pranks were funny and your asking-outs more amusing once I started talking to you! We even had that huge Potions project together for finals, and you were so responsible with that, everything I thought you couldn't be! I almost called you James when we were saying goodbye at the station, because I thought it would be funny to see your face.

I guess I should've known that Potters never change. Never, never, never.

And yeah, I know there's no reason for me to be writing this letter, I'm not in school to get detention, but you're starting to piss me off again and this seemed to help some last year. Do you know how creepy it is to send lingerie to a girl you aren't dating? And offensive, and entitled? I don't like you that way, Potter. Your askings towards the end of the year were kind of cute, and I enjoyed them as much as you enjoyed them, but this crosses a line. This is harassment, exactly the kind of obnoxious behavior that

Don't send me an owl to come flapping around my head and scare Petunia, you know what you did! (Although Petunia's face was a little funny)

Oh. It seems it wasn't you, it was just Black playing a prank. Great. Still annoying that you're friends with him, but I guess that is who you are. You can try the nice guy act, but you really will always be a little boy.

Sigh. I actually got my hopes up a little about you being

No, not writing that, that's only partially true, and anyways, this isn't a diary, this is about you, Potter, and I wish I could understand why I'm so...disappointed by this whole incident. You didn't do it, and anyways, I shouldn't expect any better out of you. You even apologized for it, which I think is a first. Why would I be disappointed that you're acting like an idiot again, unless I stopped thinking you were a prat, and started hoping you weren't a prat, because I started lik

Oh dear Merlin no

Ugh. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

This can't be happening, not when we had finally made our peace with each other. I was fine with you, we were fine, and now I think I li I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Because I can't like you. A), I've been down that road, and you still mock me for it, and B), if I ever said yes to you, I'd be going back on two year's worth of "Never ever!". And I know that's just pride and it's not a real reason, but two whole years. No one at Hogwarts would ever forget it. And I'm not being self-absorbed, we have crowds when we fight, most of Hogwarts knows our situation. I can't even begin to imagine what they would do if I said yes. And all that's assuming you're actually being genuine with your ridiculous asks rather than just doing it as a joke. Because I'd love to believe you were sincere, but if you weren't, and I started liking you again, you would make fun of me until the end of time. And I'm sick of your making fun of me, it really does hurt sometimes, especially when it's about something like that.

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh what have I gotten myself into?

I should owl Emma or Alice for help, although Emma would make fun of me, and Alice is probably too busy being happy, uncomplicated couple with Frank Longbottom to care.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do.

Okay, calm down, Lily. Okay, breath. Release all your feelings onto this parchment, just like you've been doing for months.

It's clearly just a side effect of hating him. I've been hating him for so long that I've grown obsessed with him (and in a bad way, I can almost hear Potter's reaction to that sentence), and now that I stopped hating him, all that obsessive energy has nowhere else to go. I mean, that's why I hated him so much at first, wasn't it? It was a side effect of liking him back in fourth year. That's what it is now, I'm just becoming obsessed with him in a good way inste

Stupid McGonagall stupid letter stupid detention stupid Lily this is bad, so bad, this is awful awful awful

Okay. Let's just try to be reasonable here. I'm trying to get better at managing my emotions, isn't that why McGonagall made me do these stupid letters? It got me into this mess with that "10 best things", but maybe I can get myself out with the skills I've learned.

So.

I li I I like P I like I

Get it out, Lily, no matter how embarrassing it is.

I fancy Potter.

Errrrghhhh.

After all those years of hating him, being pranked by him, and hexing and insulting him in response,

I fancy Potter.

Yeck.

You know, I do actually feel a bit better now that I've admitted it to myself. Maybe all I have to do is tell him and then it all will go aw

No, I can't do that. No way.

So how do I get rid of this?

Although he has gotten better, he might not tease me as much as he would have if I told him.

But what if he's been joking the whole time?

But what if he hasn't and I get to go out with a handsome, intelligent, kind, loyal, funny Quidditch star? Isn't that my ideal man anyways?

Well, yes, minus the Quidditch part although that is a nice bonus, but let's get real here, that man doesn't exist. This is just Potter. It's ridiculous to project my own ideals on him, just because he might (?) like me so he's a convenient receptacle. It won't make for a happy long-term relationship, nothing with Potter would ever make a happy long-term relationship. He's not the kind of guy you grow old with.

But isn't he? Funny, good conversationalist, maybe interested in me, intelligent, loyal, kind...

But I'm not looking for a life partner, I'm seventeen, for Merlin's sake. Yeah, Hogwarts has an unusual high post-graduation marriage rate, but that isn't what I want. Is it?

A long term relationship would be nice, though. And with Potter I think I

I think I could picture it.

No no no no no stop I can't

What if I just gave him a chance? He might be a nice guy, but one chance is also all it would take for me to be the laughing stock of Hogwarts, but do I really care about other people's opinions besides Emma and Alice, and I'm going to graduate in a year anyways, but I want to leave a good reputation behind for future Muggleborns, rather than being the overachiever who went mad for James Potter.

This is getting too muddled, I'm arguing with myself. I think I'm going to take a nice long break, breath deeply, work on some homework, and then come back once my head is clear.

Okay. Back.

Let's look at this logically.

Pros and Cons to Dating Potter

PROS:

He will probably ask me out

He's cute

We get along when I'm not hating him and he isn't asking me out

He's funny

He's a good conversationalist

He's kind

He's loyal

I really enjoy spending time with him

According to Emma and a few other girls, he's a really good kisser

He seems like he would have a lot of creative date ideas

He listens to me and sometimes takes me seriously

He's romantic

He gives lots of compliments

He's experienced with dating, so he'll be good at it

I like spending time with him when he's not mocking me

He's tuned down the pranks lately

His hair, teeth, eyes, and bone structure are all impressive

CONS:

I hate him

He'll make fun of me

Emma and Alice will make fun of me

The Marauders will make fun of me

Everyone will make fun of me

He's friends with Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew

He's James Potter

He's immature

He isn't asking me out seriously

He used to bully Severus

Ego

I might be a conquest, I've seen that chick flick

He's cruel to his enemies

We're going to fight again at some point?

He...gets in trouble a lot?

...

I don't know, his taste in music?

I've never met his parents?

He rejected me cruelly in fourth year.

He plays with his hair and his snitch too much

Okay, this is pathetic. For years I despised this boy, and now, suddenly, when I need reasons to hate him, I can't think of any good ones? It must be because I'm over break- -_absence makes the heart grow_- he isn't around to give me reasons to hate him. Yeah, pros beat out cons, but I'm going to wait until I get back to Hogwarts anyways. If he's not annoying after the first few weeks, well, then...maybe.

I'm not worried that the pros outweigh the cons. Not at all. I'm in control of my emotions here.

?!

Lily


	8. Letter 8

Dear Head Boy, aka James Potter,

Well. Um. Whoops.

This isn't a detention letter, but one that needs to be written, even if you'll never see it. I am so sorry. I really should've reacted better. To a lot things. But anyways.

Sorry for not believing you when you said you were Head Boy. In my defense, it's pretty shocking to everyone else, too, including all of your friends and you, I'm sure. Uh. I'm sorry. You'll do a great job.

See, this is me trying to continue being nice to you, even though I...well...earlier...and I'm trying to keep up the a-few-weeks-into-the-year thing, too. Today doesn't really count because it was my fault. I even called you James when I first saw you (well, James Potter) and I think you nearly fell into the train tracks. It was pretty funny.

But, um, wow. So I feel bad. Man. We were so close to being friends last year that I

Well, maybe I should just tell the story instead of dithering about it. So. I saw you on the platform, waved, and said "James Potter!" and you looked so shocked you nearly fell into the tracks, etc etc, I nearly caused your death.

"We're at full names now, are we, Lily Evans?" you said. "Am I finally growing on you?"

"Maybe." I said, trying to give you just a taste of my Lily Evans sultry grin without going overboard. See, I was trying to be nice. "Or maybe I had seduced another Potter over the summer with that lingerie you sent me, and I don't want to confuse you two."

"Sorry about that again." you said. "It really was Sirius."

"I believe you." I said.

You smiled like I had just declared my love for you. "So, out of curiosity, did you ever...wear it? Especially while sleeping with another boy?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." I said. "And I wouldn't sleep with him."

"Wait, so there was-"

"No." I said. "Even with my imaginary boyfriend, I'm not gonna be that easy."

"So I've gathered." you said.

It was all like that, just some casual back-and-forth while we got our trunks onto the train (man, that boy can flirt!) until I caught sight of his badge. "Where'd you get that?" I said.

"Oh, this?" you said. "They sent it to me over the summer. Hey, you're Head Girl, aren't you? Nice!"

I laughed. "No, really, where'd you get that?"

"I...told you." you said, no longer smiling. Oh! Idiot Lily! Idiot Lily! "I'm Head Boy."

I still didn't believe you. I should have. "Look, James, it's funny, but you should really give it back. I can't have you stealing from my Head Boy."

"I'm not." you said. "I really am Head Boy."

"Come on."

"No, it's true!" You were starting to get angry. Like, actually angry, not just messing-with-me-angry, and of course, because I'm me, the shock of you getting angry just made me angrier.

I crossed my arms. "This is only funny for so long. Just give it to me, and I'll get it to them."

"I don't know what to tell you." you said. "I'm Head Boy".

"James, come on-"

"I'm not going to-"

And unfortunately, McGonagall came and found us right as I was wrestling you to get it off. "Stop this, both of you at once." she said. "We need to go into the Prefect compartment immediately. You were supposed to be there five minutes ago."

"Sorry, Professor." you said, and followed her into the train.

And of course, it was true. You're Head Boy. It was mortifying. I stared at you, but your face was stony, you wouldn't even look back at me during the whole lecture about our duties as Heads. I can't believe I could've been so stupid. I mean, yes, you being Head Boy is incredibly unlikely, but Merlin was I condescending and insulting about it! I guess this isn't a let-out-your-anger letter after all (if it was, it would be mostly directed at me)- it's more of a let-out-your-complete-and-utter-mortification letter. Ughhhhhh. Ughhhhhh. Just when I started liki

Who would've thought I'd be the one to screw things up in the first few weeks instead of you.

Please forgive me,

Lily "Humble pie" Evans

P.S. It gets worse. I went to see you to apologize, and I think I screwed everything up for good. Ughhhh.

"Hey." I said. We were in the library or whatever, it doesn't even matter at this point, no one's ever gonna read these anyways.

"Hi." you said, and your tone was...well, you've never spoken to me like that before. Cold, disinterested, angry.

"I'm...I'm really sorry." I said. "For not believing you."

"It's fine." you said, although your voice was anything but. "I guess that shows pretty clearly what you think of me."

"No, James, please, I..." I was so close to saying it. I'm still not sure if I should have. On one hand, the waiting a few weeks and us fighting on the first day, on the other hand, I really did feel it and you might've returned the sentiment. "Well...you have to admit it is shocking." Insulting, condenscending, horrible, awful, stuckup, mean-

"Yeah." you said with a cold laugh. "Almost as shocking as thinking we'd ever be friends, right?" I had never heard you sound so bitter before, and I was so stunned, I didn't try to get the last word as you left.

So that's it. That's the number one reason right now on why Lily Evans is the worst. Those two conversations are worse than my questionable body odor, weird hair, treatment of Severus Snape, and the Charms essay I put off all summer. I don't know what to do (about James, not about Charms). I'll probably have to ask Alice or Emma for advice, and I'm not looking forward to their reactions. I still haven't told them that I almost fancied James Potter over the summer.

* * *

><p><strong>Early chapter to make up for the late one last week!<strong>


	9. Letter 9

Dear you horrible BASTARD

How could you? How could you? How could you?!

I can't believe it I am so MAD you of ALL THE PEOPLE HOW COULD YOU?

No I will NOT calm down!

After three years of asking me out every chance you get, how could you just give up? I am so mad at you right now! It's been a few weeks, if you'd asked me out, I might've said yes, but no, you've been ignoring me and and acting uninterested and now you asked out Kendra Freaking Wood of all people and it's my fault but how could you? HOW COULD YOU? I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I haaaate yooooou

And not only did you do that to me, but I even got detention for it. I must be one of the first Head Girls in the history of Hogwarts to get a detention. Add that and Kendra Freaking Wood to the reasons why Lily Evans is the worst. Kendra Freaking Wood. And you didn't even try to be original. Ugh I could kill you right now, I wish you were dead, then everything would be so much

No, actually, I really don't wish you were dead. I don't want to jinx anything when there's a war going on. You're a surprisingly capable Head Boy and you seemed like a good guy when we were friends. But now

Well I guess most of my anger is at myself, because if I just hadn't said all of that crap about you being Head Boy, or if I had just told you how I felt then, none of this would've happened. And now I'm left miserable

Except maybe you really are a bad guy. Maybe all the asking out was just a joke, like I thought for the longest time, and now you've gotten bored after two years and moved on. Maybe you were never interested in me in the first place. Why would you be? You aren't mad at me, you just don't care about me anymore. I think that hurts worse, somehow.

Oh, how I love hurting myself like this. But I guess it's true. It's a likely possibility, given your history. I really did thing you were a nice person at the end of last year, that can't all have been a

No, no, let's not think about last year, that hurts too much right now. Let's just think about to day, and ohhhh you completely awful demon of a boy-

It was before lunch, and I was crossing the Great Hall with Alice and Emma when you used a Sonorous to ask the whole crowd to help you out.

"When Kendra Wood appears at the top of the stairs," you said, "I'm going to shoot sparks in the air, and when I do, I want you all to say, 'Kendra Wood, go out with James Potter!'"

Alice and Emma and most of the crowd were staring at me. I felt like crying, but I didn't want them all to see that, so instead I starting laughing. Loud enough to attract most of the crowd's attention, including yours.

"Problem, Evans?"

I wanted to smack you for that arrogant tone of voice. "Just think it's funny, Potter," I said, "how you asked me out in the exact same way two years ago."

"That was two years ago." you said, eyes cold. "It obviously never worked."

"Maybe it would've worked if you weren't such an obnoxious- pale- git!"

"Pale?" What an insult." you said. People were backing away now, forming a circle around us. Busybodies, like I said. "But you're right. You never liked me back, so it didn't work. Why shouldn't I ask someone else out then? You got a reason?"

"Because..." Well, I really didn't. The only reason, the one I'd discovered over the summer, isn't true anymore.

"It's called moving on, Evans, maybe you should try it."

There was an audible gasp from the busybodies. "What are you implying?" I said, advancing on you. "I hope you don't actually think that-"

"You hope I don't think that maybe you might have dropped your completely irrational hatred of me after two year?" you said. Kendra Wood had entered the room by now, but you didn't seem to see her. "Come on, Lily, I was a prick to you in fourth year, and you've never gotten over it, even though I've been trying to make it up to you for two years!"

"What, by harassing me at every opportunity?" I snapped. "Pretending to ask me out for attention, or to make fun of me for a crush I had on you in fourth year? That is not making anything up!"

"And what if I was serious?" you said. You almost looked sincere. "Maybe I actually liked you, and you've been rejecting me and humiliating me for two years because you did not get over what my idiot fourteen-year-old self did!"

I actually started laughing. "I've been humiliating you? How do you think I felt after all those public proposals, James?"

"Flattered? Considering you counted them all and you remember each and every one? Don't even try to deny it, Lily, you loved it when I asked you, and you loved rejecting me even more! You know, I'm glad I don't like you any more, because you are an actual bitch!"

The crowd, which had already been pretty quiet, fell completely silent at that point. "Excuse me?" I said.

"You're a bitch." you said. "I should have said it last year. I should have. You didn't even need to say yes to me, although not holding a three year grudge and giving me a chance would've been nice, but you never even let me down nicely! You punched me, you hexed me, you insulted me, and then got huffy when I took out other girls or insulted you back-"

"You could've stopped asking me out at any time!" I shouted. "Don't try to blame me for your humiliation. And while we're on the subject of bitches, you're- you're a complete arse! You bully people, you're egotistical, and immature, and completely self-absorbed, and rude for no reason! Just because you tried to be nice to me, doesn't mean you were ever nice to anyone else!"

"Maybe if you tried to get to know me, you'd figure out that I've changed!" you said.

"I did try!" I said. "At the end of last year! And you know what? You weren't a bad guy! And you're right, you have changed, because looking at you now, I can't for the life of me see what I liked about you last year, you're nothing but a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum because someone isn't giving him what he wants-"

"You need to get over yourself." you said. "This isn't about you. I was trying to ask another girl out, and you-"

"What's this fight about, then?" I said, laughing and spreading my arms out wide.

"It's- it's about you interrupting me! You, laughing at me, starting a fight, getting mad that I'm moving on to another girl- maybe I'm not the one with a crush here-"

"If you think I will ever like you after what you've said here-"

"Oh, no, did I hurt your feelings? Did I refuse to see you as anything other than your flaws, and never treat you like a human being?"

"I treat you the way you deserve to be treated." I hissed.

You shrugged. "And the fact that you think that is what make you a bitch."

I was really starting to get upset now. "Stop calling me that, James."

"Bitch."

"Arse!"

"Cunt!"

"Dick!"

"Potter! Evans! Fifty points from Gryffindor each! Come here at once." Professor McGonagall said. It seemed all our yelling had carried into the dining hall. It also seemed that having a screaming match in the middle of the Great Hall in front of most of the school was completely unprofessional, and never in her thirty years of teaching, and we had to remember there were eleven-year-olds at this school and did we think that there were no other candidates for Head Girl and Head Boy? Because we would get replaced immediately if we ever did this again, we should consider both of ourselves on probation, and we both had a week of detention in her office starting tonight, and could everyone just move along and get to lunch, please.

So not only are we probably the first Heads to scream vulgarities at each other in front of the entire school, we're also probably the first pair to lose one hundred points at once, and get chewed out in front of the entire school for it. It was humiliating, and after the other events of the day, I honestly felt a bit teary. And then Potter had the bloody nerve to- well, let me just write what happened next.

"Hey! Kendra!" he called as we were all heading inside. "Gryffindor may have just lost a hundred points, but I think you're worth a thousand! Will you go out with me?"

Like it was all part of some idiotic plan.

Like I had never happened, or mattered.

The worst part of it was everyone else's reactions. They were all laughing, and cheering, and wolf-whistling, like their precious Potter hadn't just lost them fifty points, or like he didn't just use the lamest pickup line ever, or like he hadn't been doing all this to me a few months ago. Seems the people of Hogwarts were so glad to see that prick move on from me that

Why do they all like Potter and none of them care about me?

Why do I like him and he suddenly doesn't care about me?

He clearly doesn't care about any of the girls at this point, he clearly never did, so why do they still all cheer him on in all of his stupid askings and dumb conquests?

I didn't run out of the hall to go cry in the bathroom, though. Give me more credit. I walked, dignified, out of the hall, and then went to cry in the bathroom, until Emma and Alice found me. And I wasn't crying that hard, just sort of sniffling, and wanting to scream and throw something, and punch him right in his stupid fat face or maybe punch myself for my part of it, and also cast some choice hexes at most of the Hogwarts population. I guess it's a sign of growth that I never actually punched him in the face this time, just fantasized about it. A lot. And thought of all the other ways I could hurt him or beat him up. Maybe these idiotic letters are actually helping. I'm releasing my anger on here, or just by yelling at him, instead of actually attacking James.

Although he deserves it, oh how he deserves it. Especially for what he's going to do to Kendra, you know she's just going to be a one-date-wonder, as it were. I feel bad for the poor girl who was dumb enough to actually say yes (excitedly) to James Potter. Having carefully observed his dating patterns over the past three years, I can tell she's not going to stick around.

You know, it's a good thing this fight happened. It's a sign that I really should be over James Potter. I was waiting for him to annoy me, and now he has. I know if we did date we'd just be having this sort of explosive fight again, and some good qualities and a few months of friendship don't change his innate awfulness, as shown quite clearly by the things he said to me today. He never deserved any better treatment. He never did anything to deserve better treatment. He always has been, and always will be, a total prat. I can't believe I actually thought he might've changed, or gotten better, people don't do that. I guess, in the end, Potter isn't going to be an ex boyfriend or anything more to me, he'll just be a guy who harassed me so much in school that I briefly, briefly gave in. But I'm done with him now. No more being nice to Potter, I'll tolerate him and work with him civilly as Heads, but no more being friends, no more being enemies (because I'm not letting this obsession continue, or giving him any more reason to call me jealous). I'll work with him because it's my responsibility, and my duties as Head Girl are more important than our silly feud, but no more beyond that.

So goodbye, Potter. Goodbye, stupid cru almost crush. Goodbye, silly feud. Lily Evans is being the bigger person and moving on. Someday, all of this will be a wild school memory to laugh about, when my daughter is kicking his son's arse, and when we're both married to the person we're actually supposed to be married to

-_Why do I keep implying I wanted to marry him_-

Yeah. It'll be funny to look back on. I might leave this part out when I brag about boys falling at my feet, though.

And I never actually thought I'd marry Potter. Well. Maybe once or twice. But it was a stupid schoolgirl thing. I wouldn't actually marry him. I wonder that about most guys.

Lily Evans.

P.S. Why does this feel so melancholy if all he did was piss me off?


	10. Letter 10

Dear James Potter,

Day two of the weeklong detention.

I actually don't have anything to say to you today. My plan of not getting upset with you seems to be working. Although I guess it's been less than two days since the big fight, and we haven't exactly spoken to each other since then.

...

I don't know what to do. McGonagall's glaring over here, but I don't have anything to write about. I guess, after all of these letters, I've finally let out my anger. It's good in a way, it means I'm over -_Potter_- James. No hatred, no weird sort of almost kind of a crush, just neutrality. It feels amazing, I was in such a good mood about it today, and it didn't hurt that the dreamiest dreamboat to ever dream, our very own Rich Davies, asked me out again.

...

Well, she's glaring again, so I've got to keep writing. uh Flitwick Dumbledore Charms Charms Club Emma Vance Alice Bones Marauders Peter Pettigrew obnoxious follower Remus Lupin reasonable but also very following stop it Sirius Black obnoxious and everyone likes him for no reason James Potter

Actually not sure what to make of him today. Especially after we talked last night.

I wish I could read what he's writing right now, I don't know if he's letting out his feelings too, McGonagall has never said. I just wish that

Nothing. I just wish, if he was writing any letters, that I could read them. He's very confusing sometimes.

I wonder if he wishes he could read my letters?

Probably not, he has Kendra now. They've been walking down the hallway holding hands. Holding hands! He's never done that for a girl before. And I think I may have even seen him carrying one of her books. James Potter, treating girls well, acting like he likes them!

I mean, not that I care.

It's just, during the entire run of 197 askings, he never treated another girl like Kendra. All his previous girlfriends were one date, lots of PDA, and then a fast breakup. But not Kendra.

Well, he could be faking it, I guess, he's done worse to girls before. And they haven't had their first date yet, things will probably go back to normal after that. Not, like, normal as in the James and I situation, if there ever was a normal- the last thing I need is more of that, anyways. But normal Potter stuff, like bragging, and asking a different girl out every week, and dumb immature pranks, none of which he's done so far this year. But it's an act, he's obviously not turned into a good person, or our argument would never have happened.

Not that I care. I'm pitying Kendra. And wondering when my archenemy will return.

Not that he's my archenemy, or my anything. I don't care much.

Because if he's really grown up, and I've misjudged him this whole year No, let's not go there.

What else can I write about? The clock is moving so slowly. Detention never seemed this long before when I was ranting. Time flies when I'm angry.

I guess I write about our conversation last night. I stayed out of the Head's dorm as long as I could, and when I walked in, you were there, waiting for me. It was kind of... I don't know, kind of nice of you I guess.

Although at the time I just thought you were trying to continue the fight. I didn't say anything, just crossed the room while glaring at you.

"Wait." you said.

I turned around, folding my arms and raising an eyebrow. I was not going to be the one to apologize here.

To my surprise, you were. "I- I'm sorry." you said. "For the things I said. I didn't mean them, I was just angry."

I could feel myself smirking. "Really? You didn't mean it? And that's supposed to make anything better? You called me a bitch in front of the whole school-"

"I didn't mean it." You ran your hands through your hair like you always do when you're nervous. "I, well, I overreacted. I was finally going to ask out another girl, I thought that you'd be happy about it, and then..."

"I- I was happy." I said quickly. "It was just such a shock, and then we started fighting, and I just- lost control. I...I'm sorry. You should date Kendra if you want to."

"Really?" you said, eyebrows creeping together.

"Yeah." I said. I don't know why I kept lying, except the whole reason for my anger was more about his idiocy than -_my feelings_- anything else, or maybe because the way he was actually apologizing for something was making me feel incredibly guilty. "And I'm sorry for, um, rejecting you." Your eyes widened. "Not that I- you know, but I didn't realize it bothered you that much. You were right, I could've been nicer."

"No, no, I should've stopped." you said. "Besides, I thought it was funny the way you reacted. One of the reasons why I kept doing it. So, sorry for that."

"Right, you were never serious about them. That's what I thought." I said, trying to smile. You opened your mouth but I cut you off, not wanting to hear any more confirmation of what I already knew. "You should seriously ask out a girl who likes you then, it's good that you're doing that."

"So you have no problem with it?" you said. I could almost imagine that you sounded disappointed. "Because I-"

"No, of course not, what would I be, jealous?" The words tasted like flobberworms as I said them. "I think I've made my position on dating you pretty clear."

"Right, yeah." You looked down at your hands.

"Yeah." I said. "Us dating? Wow." I laughed, and you began laughing, too. Oh, world, look at us, Lily and James having a wonderful time!

The laughing stopped and a horrible silence replaced it. You were still staring at your hands.

"Well, um, good night." I said.

You mumbled a response.

The whole thing was just...unsettling. And a bit sad. You spent most of our exchange staring at your hands rather than at me, like you used to. And you apologized. Why did you apologize? I started the fight, and anyways you've only ever apologized to me three times, counting the time you called me a bint last year.

I think maybe you are growing up, and leaving behind your love of tormenting me.

I'm glad. Honestly. I don't need that kind of anger in my life. That's why I apologized to you.

And there's nothing I can do about any of it anymore anyways.

Not that I want to.

I just want, well, I don't know to be honest. I don't know.

Yours,

Lily Evans


	11. Letter 11

Dear Potter the Prat,

I thought I was done with the letters. I wasn't mad at you any more, I approached McGonagall and she said if I really felt that way, I could go back to normal detentions. I'm glad she didn't try and give us couples counseling or anything, I'm not sure if I could have withstood that. But we've been getting along. We've been oddly polite and mostly just not talking to each other, but getting along.

It's just...why do you have to be such a good boyfriend? Giving her flowers, walking her to class, holding hands, sitting with her at dinners, making her laugh, laughing at her jokes, kissing her, looking at her like she's so important

Who do you think you're kidding with all that? It infuriates me, that's what it does. You have the nerve to pretend that after all you went through with me, you genuinely like her. You're a liar, James Potter, you're a faker who's still treating girls badly and I am angry that you're

Why couldn't have you grown up like this before asking me out? Why did you have to be such an immature boy about it? Why did I only see you as an immature boy? When did you become a good, dateable person? Why did you have to wait until after you got over me? WHY!

I just...you're a good boyfriend, and a good co-Head, and before this whole mess, I really liked spending time with you last year. If you hadn't been so awful about it, I might've

What do you see in her, anyways? I'm taller than she is, which is saying something. I'm sassier than she is. I'm...more freckly. I've been informed that I'm a good kisser, and that my eyes are beautiful. I even had one boy ask me out 197 times, oh wait that was you, before you got over me.

Maybe you don't like sass. Maybe you never did. Maybe you were just making fun of me, or I was a conquest, yes let's bed the uptight Evans, see if she loosens up. Well, I hope someone shoves a Hungarian Horntail up your arse, Potter. That was rude, and immature, and just

but why are you such a good boyfriend? Why do I feel jealous of that? You're faking, I know you are, or I hope you are.

No, no, no, no, I don't want to go into that.

I'm sick of this whole mess, sick of you. This has gone on for three years, three years of hating each other and liking each other and fighting and pranking and hexing, and it's exhausting. It's unhealthy. I said I was obsessed, but you're obsessed with me, too, Potter, or you were. And I have way more self-esteem than this, so why is it so hard to let go?

I just...I don't like them dating. I don't know why, but it bugs me, probably because he's faking and she's annoying. They bug me as a couple. I get a really "not right" feeling from them, you know? Like they're both supposed to be with other people.

And any idiot can see Amos Diggory has been in love with Kendra Wood since practically first year- they're always together, studying, partnering up on projects, laughing over lunch. So she should probably just go be with him.

But I'm not jealous. I don't care. I've said it before and I mean it. I have Rich, and Head Girl duties, and NEWTS, and the eventual dramapocalypse that will consume Emma and Sirius's relationship (they just recently made it official!). I just don't like James and Kendra together, that's all.

And I don't hate Kendra, before anyone says anything, or at least, I don't hate her out of jealousy. She's annoying, yeah, but lots of people are annoying. And it's not even really that I hate her, just that I want to see less of her- her and Potter are in our Heads dorm ALL THE TIME and it's getting on my nerves. I mean, I get it, they're in a relationship, they have every right to be together, but do they have to snog each other on our couch all the time? I don't do that with Rich.

Well, maybe a little.

And the snogging bothers me, yeah, but what bothers me more is how often she is over- she is in our dorm so much that she practically sleeps there by now. I've walked in after class before to find her in there without Potter, just "waiting for him". I mean, how pathetic do you have to be? Don't you have a life beyond dating Potter? Or what, are you jealous of me for living with him? Afraid we'll start snogging in our jammies after you've had your "good night" petting session and left? Well, joke's on you, Kendra, he doesn't like me anymore, he's dating you instead, and he's still as much of a prat as he was last year, so I wouldn't date him anyways.

I've actually caught her a few times coming out of my room, too. Really? You aren't already breaking my boundaries enough? She says she was using the loo- apparently, to no one's surprise, the one on Potter's side is disgusting- but I still wish she would actually ask before going into my PRIVATE bedroom. There may not be much more secret things in there than my knickers and these letters, but it bothers me that she just assumes she's allowed where I'm supposed to be.

And also, for the record, I'm not angry at Potter because of the relationship. If I were, it could be called jealousy. I'm mad that he's faking a relationship with an innocent girl and that he's going to break her heart, and I'm mad...well, it pisses me off that you can suddenly pretend to be a good person when you've been horrid for your previous six years at Hogwarts. People don't change that quickly, you're not fooling anyone. Just because you're Head Boy doesn't mean you can suddenly be more arrogant than usual and think you're a good person.

What's wrong with you, Potter? You're confusing me, is what you're doing. I don't like it. Are you doing it on purpose? Why are you dating Kendra and acting like a different person? Have you always been this way and I just never noticed? Because that would make me more angry than any of the rest of this.

Cut the act,

Lily Evans

P.S. I don't think I can keep writing these letters to you. They're getting painful. And pathetic. It helped at first, the compliment letter made things better between us (and then caused a whole bunch of other troubles), but now I'm just obsessing. If I really want to get over y get past this...whatever it is, I've got to stop writing the letters. I have to stop writing about it, and talking about it, and thinking about it, and just forget completely. Luckily, I have a date with Rich Davies coming up (third this year)!

P.P.S. Since this is (hopefully) my last letter (if I stop arguing with him, that is), I guess I can admit...well...

I don't dislike him. Or at least, I didn't dislike him. That much.**  
><strong>

That's all.


	12. Letter 12

Dear I Hate This Shut Up Go Away,

Ughhhhh. I can't believe it. I hadn't argued with him in weeks. I was with Rich, and he was with Kendra, and we were both fine and politely avoiding each other. I mean, I wasn't happy with it, but everything had at least died down for a while. For the first time in years, the thought of James Potter didn't make me angry.

That angry.

But anyways, I really should've know better than to go out with him and Kendra to Hogsmeade. Emma, Alice, and I decided to have a triple date (with Sirius, Frank, and Rich), and then James and Kendra joined because they are technically part of our friend group, I suppose (because he's friends with Emma and Alice, but not with me), and then Peter asked out Hestia Jones for the day, so we were all going in a big, happy group. Except Remus, who was apparently "studying" and didn't want to come. I don't understand why he couldn't just ask out a girl for the day if he really felt like he was going to be a loose end (he didn't say he felt like that, but of course Remus would never admit to such a thing), but, then again, I don't think he's asked out a single girl his entire time at Hogwarts. Kind of a pity, really, he's a nice guy, I fancied him back in fifth year, and I'm pretty sure Alice liked him at some point. But anyways, Remus wasn't there, and Peter, Hestia, Emma, Sirius, Alice, Frank, Kendra, Potter, Rich, and I all got a table at the Three Broomsticks.

Since we were such a big group, they had to magically expand the table into a big circle so we all would fit. So Emma, Alice, and I (and our dates) all filled in because we were early, leaving four seats next to me open. And James and Peter were typical late Marauders (really, they could've just come with Sirius and been on time) and of course, you guessed it, everyone else sat down first so James ends up having to sit in the seat next to me.

He was an overdramatic baby about it, too. He walked over, did a double take, and said (to Kendra, like I wasn't even there), "Uh- are you sure?"

To which Kendra sweetly replied, "It'll be fine, James. Remember, we talked about this."

What I ever found attractive about him- I didn't ever find him attractive, but you get the point. I will never know what happened to me last summer that made me go so temporarily insane and actually think James Potter was

-_Although our elbows and knees kept brushing and that was kind of nice_-

But at least I can confirm that he and Kendra had talked about me. Over me, my arse! Ha! I do win this after all! He's the unrequited one in the end!

...That's probably not a very nice thing to think.

But anyways, the date actually went fine for a while. Quidditch talk, teacher talk, wonder-what-Remus-is-doing talk, and general fun times. Except Kendra kept making these digging little comments, like "Oh, I would hate to be in Gryffindor, the color just washes out pale skin, doesn't it?" and "I just really hate those people who think they're better than everyone else because they get good grades and brownnose to teachers, it's so annoying, isn't it, James?" and "Oh, I think it's really rude when someone rejects someone else in public. Like, at least say yes and then no later. Like, when James asked me out, I was completely sure if I want to go out with him, because, you know, he's had that whole thing with-" pointed look at me- "but I still said yes just because I didn't want to embarrass him, that would be so mean. And it was so sweet of him, look how well it's turned out..." and on and on and on.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM WHEN SHE SAID YES.

Okay, I'm over it. I'm over him, so it doesn't matter. And I never liked him that much to begin with. But, ha ha, silly girl thinking the way he asked her was special.

Eventually, it got so bad that I cheerfully said, "You know what I hate? When someone insults someone else but does it really passive-agressively, rather than just saying it to their face. Doesn't it just ruin dates, Kendra?"

Okay, so it was a little too much. The table quieted immediately (everyone had that look of when you're at a friends house and they start fighting with their parents, and James seemed like he wanted nothing more than to disappear, just like the brave Gryffindor he was). Kendra smiled as though she wanted to strangle me at a lovely garden party. "Not everything is about you, Lily."

I smiled right back. "I'm not saying everything is, Kendra. I'm just saying, you're insulting pale, redheaded, freckly know-it-alls with flower names, Muggle heritage, and a habit of saying no to James Potter. Have I had a twin and never known it?"

"He doesn't like you anymore." Kendra said, still smiling, but she was clutching her fork tight enough to snap it. "He's with me now. I know you're jealous, but you don't need to antagonize me-"

I laughed lightly. "Am I the one who just spent a half hour systematically insulting everything about you?"

Kendra's smile was vanishing rather quickly for someone who smiled that much. She stood, and James cringed. "He's not yours, Lily!" she said, attracting the attention of half the restaurant. "He's mine! You lost! Just accept it!"

"I'm not sure I lost anything." I said, trying my best to be logical. "Don't you think if I were really interested in James Potter, I would've said yes to him at some point?"

"I've seen the way you look at him!" Kendra's face was contorted with rage. Very attractive. "And I've- I've read your letters!"

It felt like someone had slammed me in the chest. Slowly, very slowly, I stood up to meet her. "Excuse me?"

"Your letters." She was back to smiling now, unintimidated by my height. "They're creepy! I saw them when I was using your loo, you left them out on your bed-"

"Why the hell would you read them?" I said. "And no, I never left them out, and besides, they were from last year, it was for detention, they're all about how angry I was at him, for Merlin's sake."

"Not all of them." Kendra said, folding her arms. "Oh, no, you have some interesting ones from the summer, and this year! Oh, I can't be fancying him, not after acting like I hated him for six years, oh, but he's so smart and fun to be around and romantic-"

I was incredibly aware of Potter and most of the room staring at me, and even more so of how red my face was getting. "Shut up!" I shouted, and I dove across Potter to keep her quiet. It was humiliating. Completely, absolutely, humiliating. I might as well have just declared my love for him on the spot. But I just couldn't

Couldn't deal with those emotions that were buried, dead, gone. I couldn't let him know, he'd mock me and

Who am I kidding?

But that was not the end of that particular story, oh no no no. That's the story of how I got kicked out of one of my favorite restaurants and completely ruined our quintuple date. (AKA another reason why Lily Evans, and Kendra Wood, are the worst.) The detention part comes later.

So Rich found me first after I stormed out, and grabbed my arm. I was of the opinion he was going to, I don't know, stick up for me, but no-o-o-o.

"Is it true?" he said.

"What?" I said.

"The letters." Rich said. "I would like to see them. Very much so."

"No, they're private-" I began, but the look on his face...! "I mean, they aren't private, there's just no reason for you to see them, because, you know, they're about how much I hate J- Potter, and there's nothing there, she was exaggerating!"

Rich wasn't having any of it. "Then show me."

"I'm over him, Rich!" I said, praying to all that is holy James wouldn't overhear us. "Yes, I did have a- a- well, not a crush, but I got over it! You can see, the last letter is from several weeks ago-"

"Before or after we started going out again?"

I faltered. "I..."

"Before or after, Lily."

"Well, after, but I-"

Rich groaned and turned away. "So I was just a replacement, then? A stand-in for Golden Boy James Potter?"

"No, it's not like that!"

"I mean, everyone told me you liked Potter, but I thought you were getting over him!"

I was sure even the people in the cafe could hear us now. "Richard, please, let's not do this in public-"

"Why not?" he hissed. "Why don't you want to James to know you had a crush on him if you're over him, Lily? And what was I, just a- a trick to make him jealous? We're done, Lily."

"No, Rich, wait!" I called.

He didn't listen, he just stormed off. And that's how I lost the dreamiest dreamboat to ever dream, because of idiot me and idiot James Potter. And before you ask, no, that's not how I ended up in detention, either.

What a great day I had, right?

Also, sidebar: everyone knew I liked Potter? Since when? How? I never even really liked him in the first place! But I guess if I guy asks out a girl enough times, the girl must automatically like him back! That makes so much sense!

Anyways, even after all that, my day still wasn't over yet. I obviously couldn't go back to my dorm because James would be there, probably snogging Kendra on the couch or something, so I went to the library instead. An obvious hiding spot, I guess, but I did try and find the most secluded table I could- I had to kick out a couple attached by the tongue to do it (a perk of being Head Girl!). But James still found me there. Of all the people who could have, of course it was James. Nothing was on my side today.

"Hey." he said. "Are you okay?"

I gave him my best glare. "None of your business."

"Is, is what she said about those letters-"

"No!" I said. "No, no, no. Those letters are- they're- they're not- just shut up about the letters, all right?"

"Okay, okay." James said, raising his hands. There was a short awkward pause. Why didn't he just leave? "Um...Kendra dumped me."

"Seems we're even, then." I said stiffly. "Rich just broke up with me."

"Why?" James leaned forward, watching me.

"Uh...he doesn't think I've been paying enough attention to him." And that's true enough, I guess, he'd been making little remarks about that beforehand.**  
><strong>

"Is that all?"

I knew what he wanted me to say, but I couldn't. Maybe it was the horrible day, maybe I just wanted to punish myself further, but, no, I just couldn't. "Yes."

"Really." he said. "Because if I were him, and I heard about my girlfriend liking another boy, I would have a whole bunch of other reasons to dump him."

"Well, he didn't." I said.

"So you didn't like me?"

I stood, gathering my things. "I can't do this, James, not now, I've just had one of the worst days-"

He grabbed my arm. -_His eyes were still so pretty._- "Wait, do you still like me?"

"James-"

"Will you go out with me, Lily?"

And that's when I snapped. "I said NO!" I shouted. "No, no, I said that 198 times now, and I mean it! I told you I didn't want to do this right now, I have just had a horrible day, so please, just stop asking me, because my answer will always be no!" Shock flashed in his eyes and I tried to ignore it. "Merlin, James, I cannot believe- you tell me you've changed, but here we are, the day you and Kendra end things, and you're right back to never bloody leaving me alone again. Please, for once, just piss off!"

Yeah. Ouch. Great job, Lily. He didn't get a chance to yell back, however. That was when we both got detention for me shouting like an idiot in the library, because apparently we'd fought with each other so much that Pince didn't even care who was doing the shouting anymore. But even another joint detention as Heads wasn't as bad as finally making things irreparable between us. His face after I've shouted at him was as cold as I've ever seen it, and he hasn't said a word to me or even looked at me since. I doubt there will be any apologies this time. I

I know McGonagall's going to glare at me for this, but I just need to take a moment, and some deep breaths. Detention's almost over, anyways, I can tell she's ready to dismiss us.

I screwed up.

I screwed up so bad.

Not just today, but the rest of this year between us.

Because I've been trying to deny it, but he was right, what he shouted at me in the Great Hall. I've been misjudging him ever since he rejected me fourth year. Today was just the inevitable conclusion to that.

He wasn't a good person all of that time, but he has grown up, he's a better person now. He's someone I want to date now, and has been for a while, and I've been denying it, for a long time, and trying to pretend I wasn't jealous, and that Kendra didn't matter, but she did. And you do, too. You matter, Potter. You matter me more than I've ever let myself admit. And I can't believe it took ruining everything between us to make me realize it. I just was too proud to admit I liked you, and my temper, and maybe, when it came down to it, I was the one who needed to do the growing up here.

And I can't apologize to you because I'm pretty sure you won't accept it and I can't make things right again anymore, I'm just going to have to accept that my temper, pride, and stubbornness cost me...you. I 'm just going to have to try and not make the same mistake again.

Because I did like you, Potter, no matter what I might have said. It was a twisted, spiteful kind of obsession, but I did like you. I kept track of your girlfriends and asks, didn't I? I remember every single one. And when Emma and I had that big fight after she snogged you...

And I got so heartbroken after what you did fourth year, and then you asked me out and I thought you were making fun of me or thought me angry was funny, and I wanted to get revenge for you rejecting me, and it just all spiraled out of control so quickly. And now that I finally like you, I've ruined everything and I don't know what I'm going to do

STOP READING MY PAPERS, POTTER, THIS IS PRIVATE

He left. I'm sure he read it, but

I guess I really lost him.

-Lily

P.S. Back in the dorm, James is nowhere to be found, and there's a fat envelope on my bed. Weird. I wasn't expecting any mail.

Oh. Wait.

"Letters from James Potter to Lily Evans AKA Evans AKA Beautiful That He Will Never Send, Vol XIII" is written on the back of the envelope.

Um.

Reading it now.

P.P.S. Oh. Oh Merlin.

I need to find James.


	13. Letters 1-9

LETTERS FROM JAMES POTTER TO LILY EVANS AKA EVANS AKA GORGEOUS THAT HE WILL NEVER SEND- VOLUME XIII

* * *

><p>Dear Gorgeous,<p>

You looked great today. Early spring was made for you.

Guess putting a Chocolate Frog down your neck might've been a bad idea after all. Moony was right. I should never listen to Padfoot when it comes to girls, ever. Wonder how he gets all those girlfriends.

You're just too cute when you're angry, Evans. And all the rest of the time. **  
><strong>

It was just a joke. Wish you wouldn't take things so seriously. You get so angry. I really think, Evans, that if you ever stopped being angry at me, we would make a lovely couple. A very attractive one at least.

I do feel bad for calling you a bint, though, I think you might've thought I was saying something worse. Maybe I'll apologize for that later.

Wonder what you're writing about me?

Sincerely,

James working-like-a-House-Elf-for-your-attention Potter

P.S. Just got a brilliant idea for my next asking. One hundred and ninety, I think?

* * *

><p>Dear Beautiful,<p>

Well. That was probably a bad idea. But in my defense, it was really funny.

Maybe if the lyrics had been better? Moony refused to help, saying that I should leave you alone. Apparently I have as much chance of dating you as Avery Mulciber does. Pads laughed and agreed with him.

Ouch. These are my friends.

Wormtail, at least, is on my side, and isn't coming up with any stupid ideas, either. Although he didn't try to protect me from Evans, either. Neither did Em.

Traitors. But maybe I deserved it. The lyrics were really bad.

...

Never let it be said that there's nothing between Evans and I. Guess who tried to look at my paper just now? Evans. Now why would she do that if she despised me?

I suppose I was doodling a nice picture of her on the back, but she tried to read what I was writing. That's a good sign. Even Remus can't ignore that.

Sincerely,

James knows-what's-going-on Potter

* * *

><p>Dear Lovely,<p>

We might be Heads together! McGonagall told me. I admit, I was surprised. I've never been the most well-acting student. And I figure she knows Sirius and I call her McGoggles behind her back. But here we are. They must have seen some leadership potential in me. I am Quidditch Captain, and we're the favorites for the Cup this year.

She (McGonagall again, not you, Evans) said if we stopped fighting, we would both have a better chance. Also said she hasn't told you yet. Probably thinks you would panic. You would, wouldn't you?

This could be my chance. To show you I'm not all the things you say I am. Well, you might be right about a few things.

I'll hold off on asking you out for a while. That really seems to set you off. I can't make any promises for what you'll do. You have it out for me some days.

I hope you do get Head Girl. You would be a great Head Girl. I might be leadership potential, but you're perfect for the job.

You also probably really want it. You care a lot about that stuff. Maybe if we were both Heads, I could ask you out somehow with the patrolling schedules and/or being really responsible?

Will file that away for future reference.

Yours most responsibly,

James Potter

* * *

><p>Dear Most Radiant and Confusing,<p>

You're doing well with the not-fighting thing. It's weird. More than weird. Weird enough to warrant a nondetention letter. Not that I'm complaining. I like being friends with you. Really. It's just weird. I'm used to dodging hexes whenever I see you. Now we're friends who have conversations.

That isn't all. You're really funny. Really, really funny. We have a good time together. And you're easy to talk to. I learned about your horrible sister and Snivelly as a child, and I told you about my grandparents, and what my parents were like before the attack third year. Talking to you about family is nice. Most of Moony's family treats him like an outsider, Wormtail's is big and stifling, Sirius has the Grimmauld family shithole, but you and me? We've both got small-but-loving.

We've had other good conversations, too. And, well, originally I asked you out because you were hot, and I've been doing it since then because it's fun to plan them and I love your reactions, but now I'm starting to actually

Look at me, writing love letters like a girl. Pads and Wormy would have a field day if they knew. Moony would just look smug, and that would be the worst. (He already knows, I think, his furry self's senses can somehow tell my feelings towards you).

But, Evans, what's making this even worse? You're flirting. Don't think I don't notice. I'm an expert in girls flirting. Don't know how serious you are. You flirt with boys sometimes just for fun. It's driving me crazy.

Don't want to bring it up to Moony. Just imagining his smug face hurts me inside. But maybe I'll risk it. He could use a distraction. Sirius's been putting the moves on Em and I've been distracted with Evans and Pete has been Merlin knows where, so Remus's alone a lot.

Maybe we should get Moony a girl, maybe that'll cheer him up. I'll talk to Pads, see what he thinks.

Optimistically,

James

P.S. Well. That didn't turn out well. Moony found out we were trying to set him up and got all Moony. Seems to think his furry little problem should keep him from dating. Wish there was some way to change his mind.

* * *

><p>Dear -<em>Lily,<em>- -_Evans_,- -_Lily Evans,_- you,

-_Hi_- -_Hello_- Hi. How's your summer going? -_Mine is going great_- Mine is going great. -_Sirius has been over a lot and we've been_- Hope yours is going well, too.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing. -_I am too._- I, -_uh wanted to say_- wanted to

-_Uh, so_- we were friends last year, and I really liked that, and -_I wanted to be more_- I like being around you. You're funny, intelligent, and -_beaut_- -_pretty_- beautiful. I was just wondering if maybe you

Sirius stole this letter. Spent half an hour trying to get it back from him. Not sure what he's up to now, said he was going to help me with Evans. Now that I've got the letter, why is he still cackling? Probably because he found me writing a love letter.

Disaster. He sent Lily lingerie. Why? Where'd he get it from? Why must he constantly ruin my chances with Lily? Do I send Emma crude gifts? Probably should, just to make up for

Lily sent a Howler. Thinks it's my fault. Pads still laughing.

Why does she blame me? Here I thought we'd gotten along. Why is she still assuming the worst?

Maybe Remus was right. She'll never say yes and I should stop bothering her. Maybe I should move on. She probably wants me to.

I am hopefully going to be her co-Head. Maybe I'll have a shot then.

Curiously,

James has-horrible-friends Potter

* * *

><p>Dear Frustrating -ly pretty,<p>

You're assuming the worst of me again. Knew what you thought of me. Just didn't think you'd refuse to believe I was Head Boy. Remus was right.

Update: You tried to apologize. I think we aren't friends anymore.

Guess I'd better move on. You've giving me clear signs that you aren't interested. No matter what you acted like last year. Must've gotten over me, or something.

It's frustrating. You're frustrating. Wish you would give me a chance. I've changed since fourth year. Might not have treated you well until the end of last year, but I'd like to think it isn't "shocking" that I'd be Head Boy. That you wouldn't think tackling me was saner than believing me. Just like the lingerie over the summer.

You know what? Even if you were interested, I won't date someone who thought this badly of me. And you haven't treated me well either. Because I wasn't serious until a few months ago, but what if I had been? You hated and insulted me, and your rejections were usually violent. You've got no place to look down on me. Well, almost no place.

Too bad. We really would've been a lovely couple. But you're not interested, so I should try to get over it.

Pessimistically,

James

P.S. Might try asking out Kendra Wood. She's friends with Hestia Jones so Pete might be able to talk to her like he wants. Merlin knows he's been staring at Hestia since last year. She's also cute and easy to talk to. Not Lily but I think we'd do well together. We'd be an attractive couple, at least.

* * *

><p>Dear Frustrating AND Confusing,<p>

I don't understand you. One minute, you're disinterested, the next, you're upset when I ask out Kendra. Make up your mind. Do you like me, or not? Because I'm pretty tired of being shot down.

Unless you were angry because you hate me again. Or you've never stopped. But I'm still mad. And tired of this. Maybe I've been obnoxious with asking you out, but you could've been less violent when you rejected me.

Although I was harsh today. Maybe I should apologize to you.

But you were the one who started the fight. If you don't have feelings for me, let me move on. It's that easy. Don't interfere with me and Kendra because your ego won't let you consider that I could be interested in anyone else

That's not fair. You're not that egotistical. You wouldn't be a good Head Girl if you were. You've been doing a good job this year. Been brilliant working with you, even if we aren't on good terms.

Might be worth it to apologize just for that. Had a pair of Heads who hated each other in third year and everything went to shit pretty fast. Would hate to leave that legacy when we graduate. Especially since you've worked hard to do a good job.

And I'm sick of fighting with you. Except for a few months ago, we've been arguing for almost two years. Calling a truce would be nice.

Update: I apologized. We still aren't friends.

Got Kendra. -_Trying to_- Moving on. But I miss being friends with you

-James

* * *

><p>Dear Miss Confusing,<p>

Don't understand you. I never will.

You started dating Rich. Great. Can't complain. Kendra's great. -_Not as great as_- You're moving on, too. That's great.

Not that you liked me. Did you? Can't tell. Thought you were flirting, or jealous, but

We've been working together a lot on Head duties. Haven't been talking much, but it's still odd. Weird feel to it. Wouldn't have noticed but Kendra walked in on us, and afterwards, had a long talk with her about Lily. Said that we were sitting too close, and you were looking at me, and I was looking at you, too, to which I replied I'm not going to do my Head duties with a blindfold on. She said it was the way that you looked at me (and maybe, how I looked at you?) that bothered her, and wanted to know if I still liked you. I told her I didn't and we hadn't had a real conversation since I asked Kendra out, but Kendra didn't seem too happy with that answer. Also says you hate her. Must think you're jealous or something. So I told her there was nothing between us besides Head stuff, and then clarified I didn't mean HEAD stuff. She seemed fine with that answer, but she's been coming over to our dorm a lot. She's even there before me some days. And Davies has started coming over a lot, too.

You told me I couldn't invite the Marauders, but you have Davies over a lot. And Emma and Alice, too, but they're more tolerable. Maybe I'll ask again about bringing Pads and Moony and Wormy.

Yours neutrally,

James

* * *

><p>Dear Lily,<p>

Well. Not sure what to make of you right now. You know what happened. You probably know more than I do about your letters. I won't try to find them. I respect your privacy.

Attached are some of the letters I wrote over the past year. Don't know if they'll make a difference. Just wanted you to see them so you'd know the truth about last year, and the lingerie, and Kendra. Feel it's only fair, considering what I did.

I read your part of your letter today, I'm sorry. It was mostly an accident. I just couldn't figure you out otherwise. You get jealous, you flirt, you enjoy being around me, then you say things like in the library. But your letter...**  
><strong>

I know we've both had breakups today, and you're angry at me. I know I haven't given you much reason to want anything from me. I've harassed you. I've been arrogant, obnoxious, and very immature. Whatever choice you make, I'll respect it this time. I...I know what I read, but I also heard what you said today, so I'll leave it up to you.

But I want you to know something else, too. You, well, the reason why I first started asking you out was because you're beautiful. Your eyes are stunning, your hair wavy and gorgeous, your skin (pardon the compliment) is almost luminous, and your freckles are the cutest thing I've ever seen. And I love your legs. Sorry, but they're really pretty. It's a weird thing to say, but it's true. Also, you smell really nice.

But you're more than that. You're Lily Evans. Brilliant, witty, confident. Hilarious, and I think I'm a good judge on that, being a Marauder. You are smart, not just in textbooks- you're clever, which is a whole other thing. You're perceptive of other people's problems, and you actually do something about them, you care enough about other people to try and help them.

And you're a great Head Girl, just as I knew you'd be. You're strict, of course, but you're not...I don't know, bigheaded about it. People still listen. And you're not afraid to take initiative, do things that others are too lazy to do. You work hard for the job.

And you're also brave. You defend kids from Slytherins, even though they barely acknowledge your authority. You aren't ashamed of who you are or your birth. You aren't afraid to make your views known on issues or to speak out when you think something is wrong. You have high expectations for yourself and those around you, and you're willing to call us out when we aren't doing the right thing. You can be harsh, of course, and short tempered, and self-absorbed, and obsessive, and nosy. I'm not saying you're perfect and you wouldn't say that about me. But you're Lily Evans, which is pretty damn close as far as I'm concerned.

That was a bit of a ramble. Sorry. Just wanted you to know all that. I don't like you because you reject me, or because you're beautiful, or because you're funny when you're angry, I like you because you're you.

So. Uh. After that, I don't really know what to say. -_Will you go_- -_Lily Evans, will you_- -_Would you want to_-

Deep breath, James. Get it out. Will you go out with me?

No. Know what? That was 199. Got room for one more, and I want to do it in person, anyways.

I understand if you don't, after all of this. If you don't, I'll accept it, I won't ask you again. It's a good number to stop at anyways. But if- if what I read today was true, come find me. I'll be waiting where number 32 was, that one was always my favorite.

Respectfully yours,

James Potter

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for the delay, this one took a bit more editing. One chapter to go!<strong>


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